We spend so much time teaching kids to respect elders, their teachers, the work place. Which, don't get me wrong, that's a must! However, I've noticed we do not spend the time or energy to help them learn to respect themselves. Infact, we may be doing the opposite without even knowing it. We may be making them self critical, judgmental, perfectionists that have a high tendency towards depression. It's so hard not to fall in to the "short term" results trap. Do you find yourself:
withdrawing love
criticizing
blaming
guilt trips
commanding / threatening
yelling...
If you find yourself doing what I am guilty of, please read on how I'm learning to change my methods to make sure I help build and reinforce my children's Emotional and Metal health though building their own Self-Concept.
Self-concept can be defined as the view one has of himself/herself and their abilities. A child’s self-concept begins to develop at birth.
It begins with how adults respond to him/her.
Parents and caregivers create a positive emotional bond with an infant through warm and caring interactions with a lot of eye contact and touch. This positive emotional bond with parents and caregivers promotes a child’s healthy self-concept. It is the basis of a relationship in which the child feels the parents’ and caregivers’ love, acceptance, and respect. As the child grows, her ability to interact successfully with their environment promotes a healthy self-concept. This is critically important in early childhood. The development of a positive self-concept at an early age empowers the child to feel competent, try new things, and strive for success. As parents, we have the opportunity (and responsibility) to help build a positive self-concept in our children. So, how can you tell if your child has a positive or negative self-concept? Children with a positive self-concept have a "can do" attitude. They believe in their ability to complete tasks without help, or with minimal help. They do not exhibit problematic behaviors as doing so would be against their positive self-concept. Children with a negative self-concept have a "can't do" attitude. They become frustrated easily and give up on difficult tasks. These children may exhibit behavior problems if "naughty" or "bad" is a part of their self concept.
HOW TO HELP BUILD SELF-CONCEPT -
The 4 pillars:
1. IDENTITY - Children are not born with a clear sense of identity or how they fit into the world. Usually, the family environment plays a large role in shaping the identity of children as they grow into adolescence and become adults. The way family members relate to one another and operate together as a social group can shape a child's self-concept, socialization, and cultural identity. Through these interactions, they start to gather information about themselves and store autobiographical material, starting a life narrative that guides their responses to the world. Identity can be built through -
Exploration and Experimentation: As children explore the world around them and experiment with different activities through play or in school, they start to discover what interests them, what they are good at, and how they compare to those around them. Allow and encourage them to explore their surroundings.
Other People’s Reactions: Children are very influenced by how significant people in their lives view them. In 1902 the social psychologist Charles Horton Cooley introduced the concept of “The Looking Glass Self” to explain how our view of ourselves is partly the result of how those around us view us. This means that children notice how adults and other children see them and start to identify with whatever is “mirrored” back to them.
Successes and Failures: As children explore and experiment and compare themselves to other children, they begin to have successes and failures. They find that some things come easily to them, such as carrying a tune or adding up numbers in their head, while others may be a struggle. They also learn that if they persist at things, they will eventually get better at them. Be their ears for them when they do fail. Let them talk out what they wished to have achieved, what they they think they should do next time. Teach them that failure is just an event, it does not define who they are as a person. Failure is okay, it's part of the process of growth.
2. LOVE - Children need to feel loved in a way that is not dependent on the adult’s mood. Part of feeling loved is knowing that your parents accept you for who you are and love you even though you are not perfect and you make mistakes. This love needs to be consistent. This does not mean that you can not correct bad behavior or correct them when they are making mistakes (done through open communication when everyone is calm.) It means that there is an undercurrent of love that exists like background music through everything that happens both good and bad. 3. Permission - Children need to be given support and permission to explore their world. They also need permission to reach their own conclusions, even if this means that they think differently about an issue than their parents. This last is especially hard for for some parents because they have a tough time seeing the world from any point of view other than their own. 4. Skill Training - There are a number of important life skills, such as emotional empathy and the ability to apologize. Teaching Emotional Empathy
Modeling Empathy: Empathy teaches empathy. You empathize with your children’s experience, they feel your concern and interest, and they internalize an image of a caring and emphatic parent. This can be done as simply as catching their gaze from across the room, and smiling when they seem happy, or looking concerned when they appear hurt or unhappy.
Explaining Empathy: This involves pointing out how other people might be feeling during potentially hurtful interactions. This method directs your child’s attention to people’s impact on the feelings of those around them.
Teaching a Child How to Apologize: It is very easy to teach your child how to apologize. Whenever you make a mistake in your child's presence, you simply say to your child: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. If you ever do or say something that hurts your child and you realize it afterward, you tell your child: I am so sorry. I didn't realize then that what I said hurt you. I want to apologize to you. Your child will soon see apologizing as no big deal and the right thing to do. One point I hear often,
Well if I do that, they run all over me.
That's a separate issue. Building self concept is a must. The child not following your rules is an entirely separate issue. Be clear and consistent with your rules and boundaries. Make sure to dedication time to talk with them and have open/effective communication. They will learn to respect your rules more easily when they have their self concept. Enjoy their presence. Be grateful for them and all that they teach you. Take them by the hand, explore this journey together.